Jasper's Help Line
by ziggystardust1313
Summary: The cullens gather online at Jasper's help line to confess their deepest wants and wishes........
1. The helpline

Screen Names:

Pure-innocence= Renesmee

I-mess-with-emotions=Jasper

Pixie-shopaholic= Alice

Big-bad-bear=Emmett

Blonde-and-beautiful= Rosalie

Overprotective-mind-reader=Edward

Outta-my-head=Bella

Dr. Hotty- Carlisle

Mama-duck- Esme

_*Pure-innocence has logged on_

_*I-mess-with-emotions has logged on_

_* Pixie-shopaholic has logged on _

_* Big-bad-bear has logged on _

_* Blonde-and-beautiful has logged on_

_* Overprotective-mind-reader has logged on _

_* Outta-my-head has logged on _

I-mess-with-emotions: Welcome to Jasper's help line. Please confess your deepest fears and wants. No Smoking, No Loitering, and please begin.

Pixie-shopaholic: your introductions suck. Anyway, I wish that I had a friend who liked to shop as much as I do.

Outta-my-head: that's not humanly possible.

Pixie-shopaholic: what about vampirely possible?

Outta-my-head: get a life.

Pixie-shopaholic: EXCUSE ME?!?!?!

I-mess-with-emotions: Girls, calmmmmmmmm.

Pixie-shopaholic: shut up Jasper!!!!!!! AT LEAST I DON'T TREAT MY NIECE LIKE A BABY!!!!!!

Outta-my-head: I am sooooooooo dying your clothes orange.

I-mess-with-emotions: alright, NEXT.

Overprotective-mind-reader: I wish my baby wouldn't grow up.

Outta-my-head: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

I-mess-with-emotions: Would you deny your daughter the chance to "be" with Jacob? To have children of her own? To marry her one love?

Overprotective-mind-reader: HER ONE LOVE IS A MUTT!!!

I-mess-with-emotions: oops.

Overprotective-mind-reader: I WILL KILL YOU.

I-mess-with-emotions: please refrain from doing so until after this session.

Blonde-and-beautiful: I wish I could have a baby.

Big-bad-bear: Sorry hun. Let's try again tonight.

Blonde-and-beautiful: we haven't gone a day without trying!

Big-bad-bear: Maybe it's just me. You should try with...Jasper.

Pixie-shopaholic: OH, NO YOU DIDN'T!!!!!

Blonde-and-beautiful: if it's just you, why isn't Alice pregnant?

Big-bad-bear: It's called protection.

*_Pixie-shopaholic_ _has logged off_

Big-bad-bear: I was joking!! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! Rose....I...love...you....goodbye.

I-mess-with-emotions: WOW!!! Mega-murderous feelings!!!!!!! NEXT!!!!!

Outta-my-head: My life is perfect!!!!!!!

Blonde-and-beautiful: don't rub it in.

Pure-innocence: Guys, did you not notice that I'm logged on?

I-mess-with-emotions: OMG!!!!!! Not for children under 13- you're 3!!!!!!!!!!!!

Overprotective-mind-reader: Nessie, we know you probably did not understand what was said about Alice and Jasper, so let me explain...

Pure-innocence: Dad, Emmett told me, like, 3 ½ years ago.

Overprotective-mind-reader: you weren't alive 3 ½ years ago.

Pure-innocence: Don't you remember? I can remember since I was inside Momma's stomach.

Overprotective-mind-reader: I WILL KILL HIMMMMM!!!

Pixie-shopaholic: sorry, i beat you to it.


	2. Nicknames, names, and alice

Pure-innocence= Renesmee

I-mess-with-emotions=Jasper

Pixie-shopaholic= Alice

Big-bad-bear=Emmett

Blonde-and-beautiful= Rosalie

Overprotective-mind-reader= Edward

Outta-my-head= Bella

Dr. Hotty- Carlisle

Mama-duck- Esme

Pure-innocence: I can't wait to start high school!!!!!!

Pixie-shopaholic: we have to go shopping!!!!!!!! U need halter tops, tube tops, red tops, blue tops...

Big-bad-bear: u sound like Dr. Seuss-purple fish, blue fish

Overprotective-mind-reader: idiot. its red fish, blue fish

Blonde-and-beautiful: how did you know that???

Overprotective-mind-reader: i do have a young daughter, Blonde-and-beautiful

Blonde-and-beautiful: wasn't she at, like, reading level 12 when she was 3 days old?

Pixie-shopaholic: i didn't know that u read those books!!!!

Overprotective-mind-reader: by the way, Pixie-shopaholic, there is absolutely no way that Pure-innocence will be allowed to wear tube tops and halter tops to school!!!!

Pixie-shopaholic: i couldn't care less about ur fashion opinion, but seeing as you r her father, i figure i dont really have a choice!!!

Outta-my-head: oooooooooo i love tube tops!!!!!

Overprotective-mind-reader: Outta-my-head!!!! our supposed to be on my side!!

Pixie-shopaholic: Outta-my-head doesn't want to turn her daughter into a fashion reject, unlike some specific people i know...Overprotective-mind-reader!

Pure-innocence: go Pixie-shopaholic!!! go mom!!! go no dad!!!!

Overprotective-mind-reader: Renesmee!!! U R GROUNDED!

Pure-innocence: what??!!?!??!?! thats like, so unfair!!!

Overprotective-mind-reader: U R GROUNDED BECAUSE.....I SAID SO!!!!!!!

Pure-innocence: but...but..but...daddy!!! ***sniff *tear**

Overprotective-mind-reader: ok fine ur not...geez i hate it when you do that...u got that from ur mother, she used to do that all the time.....that's kinda the reason ur here, Pure-innocence

Blonde-and-beautiful: i don't even want to know what ur implying

Pure-innocence: but u don't like it when i do that? that im here?

*Pure-innocence has logged off

Overprotective-mind-reader: drat, better go comfort her...Bella, a little help??????

Outta-my-head: r u kidding? i want to see how bad she makes u feel!!! :-)

Blonde-and-beautiful: with all the mood swings, it almost seems like she's pregnant!!!

Pixie-shopaholic: you don't know that! there is no way that is true! what the heck are you talking about! i don't know anything! if i was able to say what i don't know i would say "hell yea"! but i don't know anything so there's

really no point in saying that! even if there was then i really couldn't say because if i had been told not to say anything then that is y i cant say.....

Outta-my-head: Alice????

Pixie-shopaholic: oooo ok shes pregnant, thank god Overprotective-mind-reader doesn't know!

*Pure-innocence has logged on

Pure-innocence: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Outta-my-head: Pure-innocence congrats!!!!..wait what the **** is wrong!?!?!?!

*Edward walks in holding a limb that looks suspicously like jacob's

Overprotective-mind-reader: what's up?  
Pure-innocence: you MURDERER!!! you BEAST!!!! you #$%^&*(*&^%$##$%^&!!!!!!!

Outta-my-head: agreed!!!! how could you!!?????????

Blonde-and-beautiful: WE SHOULD EXTRAPALATE HIM!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!

Overprotective-mind-reader: thanks Blonde-and-beautiful

Pure-innocence: how could u kill my baby's daddy!?!?!??!?!

Overprotective-mind-reader: UR PREGNANT?~??~?????

Pure-innocence: duh...wiat, if you didn't know, y did you rip my jakie apart?

Overprotective-mind-reader: YOUR JAKIE!?!?!?!

Outta-my-head: wardy, calm down!!!!!

Blonde-and-beautiful: wardy. hahahehehehhe. *snort. wardy. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Overprotective-mind-reader: sheddup. we all know you call Big-bad-bear emmybear.

Pixie-shopaholic: yeah, baby rose!

Blonde-and-beautiful: NO ONE!!! CAN CALL ME!!! BABY ROSE!!!!! EXCEPT!!!! FOR!!! EMMYBEAR!!!!

Blonde-and-beautiful: oops

Outta-my-head: i'm new to this family, and even i know that when Pixie-shopaholic sees jasper she goes, "hey jazz" and then she goes, purrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, like a kitty.

Pixie-shopaholic: eep!!

Blonde-and-beautiful: oh as in jas-purrrrr!!! hahahahahahahahhahahahahahhaahhahahahha!!!!!!! almost as creative as emmybear!!!

Pure-innocence: there's a girl that was in my third grade class that was named emily. every one called her emmy.

Big-bad-bear: Pure-innocence girl, what are you implying?!??!?! seriously, doesn't "jakie" call you baby girl??!?!!??!

Pure-innocence: ooooooohhhh!!! i already thought of baby names for my baby!!!!!! boys will be: rocquet launcha, spuepa starr, etc. girls are: cuppy kake, beau tefal, etc.

Big-bad-bear: your not serious!?!??!??!?!?!?!

Pure-innocence: what... u don't like it....*waaaaahhahaaaaaa

Big-bad-bear: oh crappppppppppppp!!! baby girl, it's ok i love the names!!!!!!!

Pure-innocence: ....really??? wait...NO ONE CALLS ME BABY FIRL EXCEPT FOR JAKIE WAKIE!!!!!

Overprotective-mind-reader: *gasp!

: i better go put jake back together.

Overprotective-mind-reader: wait, let me take his head off first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pure-innocence: wait...y did u rip him apart in the first place??????????

Pixie-shopaholic: mwahahahahahahahahhahahha...... jakie waikie, wardy, baby rose, baby girl, emmybear= BLACKMAIL!!!! mwahahahahahha


	3. BABY! 3

Pure-innocence= Renesmee

I-mess-with-emotions=Jasper

Pixie-shopaholic= Alice

Big-bad-bear=Emmett

Blonde-and-beautiful= Rosalie

Overprotective-mind-reader=Edward

Outta-my-head=Bella

Dr. Hotty- Carlisle

Mama-duck- Esme

werewolf- Jacob

baby1-Roket

baby2-Kupca

baby3-Dev

***a few months later**

carlislee: i have looked at nessie, and she will have her baby in...5..4..3..2..1

nessiee: JAKIE WAKIE!!!

jakee: AAAAAAAAA!!!! WHAT?!?!?!?!?!? R U OOOOKKKKKK!?!?!?!?

nessiee: yes, you idiot, im fine.... but its triplets!!!!!

carlislee: $^#%*)*^$#^&

alicee: oooooohhhh... what are their names?????

edwarde: what??!?!?!? triplets!?!??!?! ** *faints**

bellae: wait, boys or girls??

nessiee: 1 boy and 2 girls.........

alicee: YAYAYAYYAYA!!! 3 times the amount of SHOPPING...* mumbling under breathe....... onesies, bottles, cribs, clothes, diapers, clothes....*stops mumbling.......CLOTHES!!!! MWAAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! where's my soulja boy..........crap

rosaliee: soulja boy. snort. haha. soulja boy. hahahee. HAHAHEHEHE

alicee: 3...2...1

rosalee: MY HAIR!!!........MARY ALICE BRANDON

alicee: NEVER, EVER CALL ME THAT!!!!!! :-( plus, its not my fault u leave ur hair spray bottle open, just for me.......so i can put blue dye in it!! HAHAHAHAAHAHH!!!

bellae: dang, you *()^$# idiots, what are the babies names???

nessiee: thought ud never ask. well, the first boy is Roket L. Auncher.....the Auncher part is the babies fake last name... i mean, im only 3!

edwarde: DONT REMIND ME!!!

bellae: ROKET LAUNCHER?????? Oh MY #$%^&*( GOD!!!!

nessie: u hate it. waaaaaaaaahhh. and the L stands for liam

bellae: no no honey, i was, er, very, erm, surprised, YEA surprised.

nessiee: oh yea, emmett and rosalie are the god parents of that one.

emmette: Oh...MY...GOD!!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkk!!!

alicee: humph. u scream like a girl u idjit.

esmee: SHUT UP!!!!!! I WANT TO HEAR THE REST OF THE NAMES!!!!

silence

esmee: wow, that was effective.

nessie: ok, the little girl is Kupca (pronounced cupca) Ke Bella Auncher.

bella: thank you soo much darling. who are the god parents?

nessiee: ooohhhh yea, mike newton and jessica stanley...

bellae: nonononononononononononono!!!! ANYONE BUT THEM!! those creepers!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!  
alicee: why do jasper and i feel insulted???

nessiee: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!! and by the way alice, jakie wakie and i have a rule- u cant go shopping for them!!

alicee: god, kill me now.

nessiee: and the last baby reminds me of alice----his name is Dev Ile Auncher. alice and jasper are godparents!!!

alicee: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! can i shop for him please please??!?!?!

nessiee: the not shopping thing was a joke!

alicee: god, ness, u almost gave me a heart attack... i was ready to go to ITALY!

deve: god mommy1! shopshopshopshopshopshopshopshopshop!!!

alicee: oh my god!!! its...like... a MIRACLE COME TRUE!!!!! baby, i love you soo much!! ur the most beautiful, with your....rapidly changing appearances?????????!?!?!?!? he has a POWER!!!! HE CAN CHANGE HIS APPEARANCE!!!! my life has MEANING NOW!!!

rosaliee: where is my goddaughter???

kupcae: not me!!!!!! hahahhahahhahah!! ur stupid.

rosaliee: oh my god... good luck mike and jessica.

kupcae: i wouve u doe, rosawee.

rosaliee: aaaaaahhhhhh. i love you too!!!

rokete: Hello, God Mother. I hath a power, greater than you can imagine!! I hath the power to enhance beauty! thou shall surely benefit. Thou art a goddess already, of course.

rosaliee: oh my god nessie!! UR KIDS ROCK!!!

nessiee: hm. i was wondering when you were remember me!!

alicee: does Kupca have a power? OH MY GOD!!! SHE DOES.........


End file.
